High School Flashbacks...Successful Frexes as an afterthought.

I was cleaning up in my soon to be old apartment. I have accumulated so much crap it's not even remotely funny or interesting enough to profess here or even in idle conversation. What I did find that is interesting and funny was a book...(fine, a journal, if you must know) that I used to write in. The very first entry, I apparently began upon the prompting of Oprah (God, I can imagine myself in 20 years, watching Oprah as if she's a pagan saint. Somehow I don't doubt that she'll still be on ABC giving lots of washed-up middle aged women hope and entertainment. I kid, I kid, I love Oprah...secretly.). Anywho, I was writing about lots of things, my family, relationships, daily activities, even those prickly things called *gasp* emotions. As I read, my heart was saddened for the teenage angst of my high school years. In retrospect, it couldn't have been as sad and miserable as I portrayed through my writing. Remembering now, EVERYTHING was a crisis when you were 16. Your parents were out to get you and your complete lack of freedom was as appalling and unpalatable to you as prison. It made me think about the overdramatization that every teenager puts on their life. Reading what I wrote and then comparing that to what I remember, what I was writing sounded like a clearly fictional account of what really happened. It was obviously very real emotion for me at that time but I mean, really. As if. What I wouldn't give to have those problems again.

Now moving right along to the afterthought of this post. Successful Frexes Μέρος τρία (or Part Three)

There's nothing really interesting to tell. I suppose I just found it pertinent to give an update to the ongoing, part-timey saga. At the end of February, I was simultaneously FB chatted and IMed on AIM by the offending party. We ended up having the same stilted conversation twice. He said hi, I responded in kind. He asked how I was, I answered fine. The End. Repeat.

I would have thought that my obvious reluctance to speak to said dunderhead the first time would deter any further conversation, but apparently not. Fast forward to the middle of April. I just so happen to be at my job looking to buy some juice. My knee is nudged and I turn around and face none other than the ex in question. I'm shocked, and therefore my speech is unchecked and after the hellos, "What are you doing here?" spills from my mouth. Considering I haven't seen him all semester and humans are creatures of habit, I'm more interested than I should be. He proceeds to shrug, which prompts his irritating ass friend to jump in with the explanation, "We were coming from Center City, took 13th Street, saw the SAC and decided to stop in." So, after all these coincidences of travel, you came inside the SAC and into the basement to my job. That took some thought and effort, there's nothing else down there. And I made the case that perhaps he wasn't there to see me, to which one of my oldest and closest friends asked, "Did he buy anything?". Clearly, the answer was no. Now my highly inquisitive mind wants to know why you came there and what did you want? I'll update eventually, when something else happens, IF anything else happens. Til next time. I <3 sex, cigs and caf...although in all honesty I'd leave the cigs and caf.

Globalization

There is an old idea dressed in new attire coming to the US.

Fear

i know i haven't posted in awhile but i'd appreciate some love anyway

FEAR:

I’m afraid to love you
Afraid the next time I reach for you you’ll turn away
Afraid that the memory of your lips will fade
That I’ll never taste their sweetness again
I’m afraid that the next time I see you
My heart will beat out of my chest
Unable to contain how you consume me
Silent or subtle I’ve been for years
Unsure of where I stood
Unsure of where I fit in your world
But as time passes and people change
I find the only consistency is my desire for you
They say ask and you shall receive
I am longing to ask you
Patience is the virtue I have always lacked
Fear of the unknown has run rampant in my mind
All I’ve ever wanted is reciprocity
For you to stay with me
Just one night to let me hold you
I just want to feel you near me
I could be what you need
I don’t know how it would work
Where we would go
But how can you not be curious
The light shines on the other side of the moon
And I would move the heavens to create a space for your heart and mine
Tighter I feel my chest is getting
Every day that passes I wonder if you are remembering
How much you mean to me
I am afraid to love you
Afraid that if you know how much I feel
You will think it too much to take
Afraid that you wont tell me that you don’t feel the same
Even worse still you wont tell me if you do
Does your heart beat louder when the phone rings
Are you hoping that it’s me?
Does the hair on the back of your neck tingle
When you are sitting close to me
When I look into your eyes, watching you speak
Are you wondering when our lips will meet?
When our hands will clasp
When your breath reaches my neck
When my tongue reaches your breast
Do you wonder where I go when I’m not with you?
Do you wonder who I speak to when I am not speaking with you?
Are you scared to lose me?
Scared to love me
Are you afraid that it has all been a dream?
That our moment wasn’t real
That I don’t feel what you feel
Kiss me again
Let me hold your face in my hands one more time
Let me show you that you need to be mine
That I will cherish your heart with all that I have
That if you left tomorrow, never to come back
I would mourn the loss of you until the day i die
Infinite tears would be shed, on my pillow
Do not even bother asking why because you did this
You made this connection; I have not been able to shake it
You spend your time with these silly girls
And I am here trying to feign joy for you
Knowing they could never see the truth
That lies behind your eyes
They will never know how your voice changes when your smiling
Even over the phone, when your alone, and you don’t tell me
I can hear your smile and it makes me smile
Even if we were temporary the attempt would change my life
I would cross-oceans, climb mountains
Search the desert to find the key to your heart
I would hold it close to me
Let it become one with me
You are one with me
And yet I find myself afraid to love you
Afraid you won’t feel the same
Afraid one day you wont remember my name
Afraid there will be a new she to yet again replace me
I don’t want to miss a lover
Couldn’t bear to lose a friend
Do you trust me?
Because I think I’m diving in
Will you catch me?
Because I’ve been falling since the day we met
Can you see me?
Because since we kissed
I’ve been floating high above the clouds
Wondering how to say
I love you

The Story of a Night

This night took a strange turn somewhere along the line.

It's 3:20 in the morning. Im in a pair of my best jeans, and an undershirt with mascara on the sleeve. My hair is stale. I smell like smoke. My overshirt had beer spilled on it, it is languishing in my hamper now. The only treatment it was given was a spray of Glade. My hopes are soaring, my balls hurt, and I am incredibly saddened, all three for different reasons. Three different, enlightening, beautiful reasons. My desk is covered in potato chip crumbs. My god, I should be sleeping. I'm supposed to be up at 10. But, I am not. It is 3:30, and I am listening to the most beautiful song I have ever heard. It is called I Found A Reason by Cat Power. Its simplicity is beautiful, it touches my heart, I wish the 2 minute run time could have been 20.

There's a black X on my arm i got in the beginning of the night. Its faded now, but at 10 PM it meant I paid the sorority next to me $5 dollars for the most delicious chocolate chip pancakes I ever had. It was all I could eat, but I only had two. I felt guilty about getting seconds, and my future roommate was waiting to go to a party. A social, the all greek social to be exact. I've never been to one, I am excited. However, I know it's going to be the same as any other. Lots of guys trying to get with a small amount of girls. It's an inevitablilty of greek life, and of Drexel.

Cut to 11:45. Two of my brothers are dragging me to dance, bringing me to leave my comfortable little corner with my good and trusted friends, also brothers. I tell my shell to take a break, have a beer, he's earned it. I follow them because it is secretly what I want to happen. I am introduced to a girl. She is drunk and she is fake. But, she is open and I am trying. She is stolen, taken from me by somebody who does not care, somebody who doesn't mind the fakeness. Somebody who doesn't mind not having a name. It is at that point that I am kicked in the balls.

12:00. I am lying on the couch of our TV room in agony. I am watching Juno. A couple, one of my brothers and a very close friend are sitting there. She has her head on his shoulder. The scene is sweet enough to make me feel slightly better. I am roused from my agony by the doorbell. It's my future roommate's girlfriend, and this girl I've been trying to catch a minute with. We talk. It is awkward at first, as the discussion opens with why I left the social. "Kicked in the penis" as roommates girlfriend says. It is awkward, but the other girl comments it is only awkward if you make it so. So, I roll with it. After a while, i ask her to formal. She says yes, and my spirit soars.

12:15. I am waiting outside. I am talking to my very close friend, the one with her head on his shoulder. She comments they aren't a couple. Things are weird. Complicated. Things are very "College" right now. Another former couple sitting there announce they broke up as well. It's a bummer, I decide to go back to the party.

1 AM. I am back at the sorority house for more pancakes. They aren't as good this time, but my taste buds have numbed. An acuaintence talks to one of my brothers about how she shouldn't be persecuted for hooking up with a random guy. When my brother protests, I assure him the world wont end because of it. I will be held accountable if it does. Five minutes later, the acquaintence works herself into a frenzy over her roommate hooking up with a guy.

Irony is painful sometimes.

2 AM. I have a deep discussion with aformentioned close friend(head on his shoulder) and the brother from the previous paragraph. We talk about love. I have my doubts about things. I want to find somebody I can make something with. Both of them say it cannot happen that way. it must be spontaneous she says, like her and her new "boy".

2:30 AM. "Her new boy"s roommate shows up, also a brother as well. She asks him if her "new boy" is really finished with his "old girl". He doesn't know, he doesnt tell him.

2:45. They are both crying. He is so distant from both of them. They cry on eachothers shoulders. He shakes my hand as he is leaving, fighting back tears. She cries on my shoulder. She thought she had finally found something real, she says, but he was just playing her she says. The mascara stains my shirt, but I do not mind. I understand, I understand perfectly, that is why it hurts. That is what makes me sad. Drunks come in and out of our house, disrupting the scene. I get them out, she crashes on the 1 AM brothers couch, he helps her to call down, to fall asleep. I admire him for this. He knows how to handle these situations, how to delay the pain until the person is ready to face it. My solution would have been to get it out right away. We could have been up all night.

It is 3 A.M. I start to think about why this is significant. All these people, all these events. The pancakes, the hookups, the brothers and the crying. I see it in a flash of comprehension.

We are all different people, but we are all after the same goals. In the end, we want stability. We want to stop our searches and accounce we have found the lost golden city of el dorado. Nobody wants random hookups over and over. We all just want that one connections that leads us to tranquility.

When it comes right down to it, we are all simply little people trying to manage our little lives. For all of our plans, they can rise of fall by the hands of random chance, just as much chance as buying the next winning lottery ticket, or pushing our winnings one more round. The world is a black joke, and the goal is to laugh at the end of it all. Many people have been lost to this game, but the pride of man, the last greatest hope for humanity, is the fact we continue to pick ourselves up each time. Broken, beaten, scarred, but smarter and better. Adaption. Survival. Life.

After tonight, this night gone awry, I don't know if Im ever going to see life as meaningless again. I've seen the precipace of human emotion. Ive seen the good people do bad, the terrible do good, and the brokenhearted love. I've seen it, and I can't look back. Life is beautiful in all of it's random stupidity.

It's 4:02, and Im publishing this post. Whoever you are, I wish nothing but the best for you.

"Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

And youd better come come, come come to me
Better come come, come come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better that what came before

And youd better run run, run run to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come, come come, come come to me
Youd better run"

Cat Powers, I found a reason

New Year's non-resolutions

I presume I am to be the first person to break the invisible barrier of 2008 into 2009. I would make this post one of those "I'm feeling great about my future and my life in general because its a new year!!!" posts, but I won't. I've always believed in making the best of every day rather than setting goals specific to the new year. Yes, a new year means a clean slate and all that jazziness that comes along with it, but as far as I'm concerned every day is a clean slate. Use it. Let's use an applicable example.

A. Let's say on the 16th of November, you decided you wanted to stop cursing. On the 17th of November, that could have/should have been the first day of your curse free tongue. Alas, always easier said than done.

B. Like Nike says, Just Do It!!!

Moving on, I'll say that of course I have my own personal resolutions. Its impossible not to look at a new year as a whole host of possibilities just waiting to happen. So, here's a toast to 2009 and all the moments waiting to happen.

Kehinde Wiley

Last week I visited the Blanton Museum of Art at the University of Texas at Austin campus. The museum, which is the largest on-campus museum in the country, houses contemporary American artists. A piece of work on display that moved me was by artist Kehinde Wiley.

Wiley, who is based out of New York, is well known for his contemporary paintings of urban African American in poses taken from 16th century art history. He paints in the style of Neo-Baroque (Classical and High Baroque was a movement that followed the Italian Renaissance.)

I certainly appreciate the fusion of various historic art styles such as French Rococo with today's American hip-hop culture. I find that his work sets the stage for the harmonization of aristocratic representation and an urban aesthetic. 

For more information on Kehinde Wiley, visit

http://www.kehindewilty.com/main.html

our next president

Is it just me or is anyone else still emotional over our new president?

I know its been a week but this still just keeps hitting me over and over and i just want to keep celebrating. Regardless of what happens in the next four years I still can't wait to tell my kids about this election. we made history and I want to smile and laugh and cry and shout all at the same time.


So i go watch videos like this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3PszZbJf_0


woooooohhh!!!!!!

If I were a boy!

Has anyone ever listened and read the lyrics to Beyonce's song "If I were a Boy". To all the lady readers this song is HOTT!! It's the truth yet real encouraging and inspiring! We need more of these types of songs out there! Holla atcha girl..MIssy

Check the video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVTyLqkez6A

Lyrics!!
If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wated
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

[Chorus]
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell evveryone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

(Chorus)

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

(Chorus)

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

our lives were riots, except we were the ones putting the fires out

I can't believe nobody has said anything about the Phillies winning the world series. It was amazing for that to happen, I never would have imagined they would do it while I was in college. it's a shame people had to fuck it up by starting fires and knocking down traffic lights. Way to go Philly! Take that as you will.

Congrats, great job Phils, keep it up.

Successful Frexes Part Duex

So, as I thought its not possible to stay friends with an ex. No matter how mature and adult you try to be, either one person or the other manages to be as disrespectful as possible. After our break-up in September, I hadn't really spoken to him. I was keeping my distance. I saw him two weeks ago and wrote him an email which probably wasn't a good idea. I had so many unanswered questions and explanations that made no sense. So, his response email was obviously and as expected, deliberately hurtful and disrespectful. His exact words at the end were, "we're not together, we're not friends, we're not shit. I've washed my hands of the situation and you." So, i took that to mean don't speak to me and that's fine if that's how you want it. So, I'm minding my business Thursday and I see him and I don't speak. We're not shit so why should I acknowledge your presence? He sends me a text message says hi. I initially don't respond but against my better judgment I say hi and he asks me how I am. I say fine and proceed to say I thought he wasn't talking to me. He says it was me who wasn't speaking to him. I reiterate his words from the email. Then he says he wanted me to get over the situation.

So, apparently its perfectly fine to lie for months and then give a bullshit explanation when you break-up. Maybe everybody should try it. So, we argue about it, yet again. Everybody knows how conversations with exes go. They turn into discussions/arguments about who was wrong, what went wrong, etc., etc. Finally we stop talking. Later, I'm sitting in class and I get a random text message from somebody asking for me. Turns out its the girl who was involved with our break-up. He either gave this girl my number or she went in his phone and took it. Started talking all types of mess about I need to stop contacting him and whatnot. So, I set her straight and let her know that he spoke to me. My life was moving along just fine. To add insult to injury, the insecure little girl had the nerve to call me from his phone. So, you obviously let her do it right in front of you. He's obviously LOST his mind. To do something so blatantly disrespectful, you're obviously not the person who I thought you were and you let this girl change you for the worse.

Long story short: my run of Successful Frexes posts have come to an untimely end because that's where I draw the line. But maybe not, this could be just the beginning. Like those Tootsie Roll commercials, "The world may never know..."

Californication

So I'm watching Californication on Showtime this week and it cuts to a particularly wild scene. This is the scene of Hank, our protagonist, gettin it in with this "Rachel Ray"-esque cook from a t.v. cooking show. His new friend, some rock star, is having him write his life story. So, Hank does what any God fearing American man would do, he bones her.

Now this scene isn't too graphic. It's a little wild but its down in good taste. What is so wild about it is not what's shown, but what is said. This chick has the OD potty mouth I mean she's talking crazy. At one point she says "fu-k me like I'm al-quieda [sic]" I mean wtf is that all about?

Naughty talk in the bedroom. It's an odd phenomenon. It's like because you two are all on top of and inside of each other you can start talking reckless. Well, it didn't really stop Hanky boy, but I dunno if I'm down for all that.

I love Californication
You love Sex Cigs and Caf

Why?

Why is there a condom dispenser in the bathroom in Paley Library?
Is it like commonplace to need to get your freak on in the library? So in order to make sure no babies pop up 9 months from now in a res hall, we just put some Rough Ryderz in the convience center...Hmmm...hey what ev'. If people like to get it poppin' in between the stacks that's alright with me.

I love the Library

You love Sex Cigs and Caf

wake up

"You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round." - James Corbett

I happened to walk into an apartment a couple of weeks ago, and i got a compliment i wasn't really used to hearing. The guy couldn't believe now he was looking at the same person he knew last year.

It's hard to look back at where I was a long time ago. It's like looking in a mirror and seeing somebody else inside. It's just a shock to your system the first day you realize how much things have changed, how you've changed. It's an euphoria rush.

I love going to the gym. It's a focal point of energy for me. I see where I was, and I see where I'm going. It's one of the biggest things I've ever done with my life, a real long term goal. Taking initiative of life instead of just passively wishing for things to get done.

I had a religion teacher I really respected in 11th grade. Sure he had to teach us all of what the catholic church believed, but he taught us about life. He knew how to pick people up, how to keep them going when the chips were down. He used to be hot headed and young, trapped in poor circumstance. Somebody lifted him up. He had a saying "Help somebody in need, because you might be the only gospel they read that day."

I want you to get out there and do something. Do something small, do something big, do anything. Fix things, get the ball rolling. Help somebody out, help people to believe again. Get them to think, get them to think about anything at all! Stop talking about how people and things can be saved and start doing it. Make life just a little bit better. Get apathy out of the picture, what's the use of it? It hasn't done anybody any good, but lack of it has caused the greatest of events to transpire!

Do something for yourself! Read a book, learn something about anything, take the reigns and steer a new course. Don't just sit around, try to get better! If for no other reason, do it because the world out there is getting more competitive with every passing day. Work towards a goal, work for a better body, a better mind, a better tomorrow! Feel passion for something! If you do this you'll never have to worry about a day where you look back and say "I wish I would have done something".

Do what you can whenever you can. Not only will you save others, but you may very well save yourself. Take it from somebody who knows, you could be the reason somebody keeps trying.

Embracing Change

Hi there
How are things?

My mother always says that the craziest things that she's lived through in history happen during election years. Well, It's an election year! This means that I should expect to share in the family tradition of living through change. Change has been a reoccurring theme of our year eh? Well I'll tell you that a fundamental difference between me and "them" is that I'm not afraid of change...not anymore.

Hahaha this is funny. Speaking of the difference between me and them lol. I'm actually laughing while I'm writing this, so I hope my words sound chuckled in your head. Get this, The other day I got into a conversation with a friend about what I'd do for a million bucks. C'mon if you ever had this conversation you know people eventually ask: would you blow another guy? Everyone said yes. No. That was my response. Not for 1 Million 2 Million...a Billion. It's easy to say now, but I won't look my son in the face and tell him that his daddy made his riches by selling out. I wasn't born to be a second hander.

I love change
You Sex Cigs and Caf

And guess what? I'm having more fun. Now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright.