Friday, May 30, 2008

Crazy foods

We really are insane about our food aren't we? I mean, if you think about all the crazy things we take into our bodies it's kind of shocking. The following, for example:

1: Slurpuccino
This is great, finally a drink for guys like me. Y'know, guys that don't like coffee but still want the taste of roasted beans frozen into a beverage. The best part about it- it's starts out as ice chunks, then becomes nasty liquid syrup.

2: BBQ Riblet Sandwiches (Famous example-the McRib)
I can't understand why these damn things taste so good. Its just pork and barbeque sauce on a bun. Mabye you microwave it for a couple minutes. My roommate happens to have some of these in our fridge. They come in this packet you cook them in. Theres little chunks of freezer burn all in there.

The list of ingredients in these things are insane. It's a bad enough that your eating pork that was taken off the bone and sculpted to look like it was never taken off the bone at all. I don't need to know what 25 chemicals were put into this thing.

3: Chicken FriesChicken Fries are great. I love paying more money for more or less the same amount of chicken i would get for the equivalent amount of the 5 piece 99 cent deal. (This was actually an argument JediJohn and I had last time we went to a Burger King. back then I was defending my purchase of chicken fries)

4-Bacon Cheese Fries
You know what these cheese fries need? Pork! Mabye a little ranch dressing?

Really though, Bacon is the food of choice for the topping hungry consumer. It makes sense i guess, its a pork product thats pan fried in its own grease, it has a strong after taste, it's not incredibly filling and it makes calories skyrocket. I love eating an appetizer/side dish that satisfies my entire days need of calories. Bacon has found its way into steak, chicken, potatoes, salads, fish. I love me some bacon but too much is too much. "Yes, for my appetizer could I get the chicken wings, and can you mabye wrap that in bacon for me? I've got a tough day tomorrow and I'm trying to call in sick."

Speaking of bacon....

5- the stacker and the baconator:

These two burgers roughly fall under the same vein. As a former connoisseur of food thats likely to kill you, I have tried both of these burgers. For those of you woefully ignorant, both are as they appear in the picture.(though rarely delivered that nicely) The baconator(right) is two patties topped with cheese and bacon on the top. The stacker(left) is roughly the same thing, except you can up the ante to three or four patties and cheese, and they throw some kind of pickle sauce on there.

We're all so nervous about ordering these things too. It feels like you're being judged. The cashier looks at you like you have a death wish. They always repeat your order when you ask for this, like you're about to make a life or death decision. "You wanted the stacker right? You're sure." God damnit let me choose my preferred method of death already. Meanwhile words spreading through the line. "Yeah fatass there ordered the suicide burger. I've got ten dollars says he keels over halfway through."

It only gets better when you order it with friends. You go to sit down they start staring. I always would say something like "Well I've been watching what I ate this week. I didn't eat much today. I had a carrot for breakfast and then I had a spoonful of chicken broth for lunch. I'm totally good to eat this."

Then afterwards you always regret eating the thing. You swear to never get it again, but you always do. Damned company slipped some drugs in the meat, I'm an addict.

Yeah, this is personal experience right here.

71 years and still nobody knows what it is. The worst part is I used to eat this fried up and covered in maple syrup. That explains a lot....

This one is a good ol' Philly favorite, but I've actually never eaten it. Sure, I might eat fried spam with syrup but pork scraps condensed into a loaf shape is just too far. Throw some certifiable bacon bits in there and we'll talk.

8-Pork RindsNever going to understand what's appealing about eating pig skin. Moving on.

9-Jello SaladThis one just blew me away. Gelatin, a substance made from animal collagen, filled with an entire salad, dressing included. I don't do well with the texture of gelatin, or the texture of pretty much ANYTHING in a salad. I understand this is very common in the midwest, I would have really liked to have been there when the idea for this first came up. "Yeah, lets take the slimiest food we can get and fill it with vegetables. Might not taste great, but at least you won't keep it in very long."

And finally, the newest snack food slug to fire into your stomach

10-The Deep Fried Twinkie
Instructions on making a deep fried twinkie:

1-Take said cream filled sponge cake and freeze it.
2-Roll in flower
3-Dip floured twinkie in tempura batter(thank you wikipedia)
4-Fry Twinkie
5-Cover in powdered sugar

Frying the treat melts the cream into the entire cake, turning it into some kind of pudding textured monster.

This covers just about all of your reverse food pyramid bases. All it needs now is to be dipped in chocolate and you've got the world's most efficient junk food.

That's it for this list of crazy food. I'm sure there's plenty of others you can find all around your neighborhood, or even quirks you or your family/friends have with food. I suppose the last word here is feel free to indulge once in awhile. I may have come to realize just how terrible all these things are for you, but there's no fun in constantly worrying about it. If your out with friends, go ahead and order some bacon cheese fries. If you get a giant plate mabye out some aside and enjoy some of that goodness tomorrow. If your buddies wanna indulge let 'em have some. If they wanna do some thing crazy with their food, have some fun and join in.(Last meal I had with one of my best friends from high school, he dipped his french fries in mashed potatoes. Weirdness is pretty refreshing once in awhile)

"Everything in moderation, even moderation"

Hope you got some laughs from this post.


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