Search

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Story of a Night

This night took a strange turn somewhere along the line.

It's 3:20 in the morning. Im in a pair of my best jeans, and an undershirt with mascara on the sleeve. My hair is stale. I smell like smoke. My overshirt had beer spilled on it, it is languishing in my hamper now. The only treatment it was given was a spray of Glade. My hopes are soaring, my balls hurt, and I am incredibly saddened, all three for different reasons. Three different, enlightening, beautiful reasons. My desk is covered in potato chip crumbs. My god, I should be sleeping. I'm supposed to be up at 10. But, I am not. It is 3:30, and I am listening to the most beautiful song I have ever heard. It is called I Found A Reason by Cat Power. Its simplicity is beautiful, it touches my heart, I wish the 2 minute run time could have been 20.

There's a black X on my arm i got in the beginning of the night. Its faded now, but at 10 PM it meant I paid the sorority next to me $5 dollars for the most delicious chocolate chip pancakes I ever had. It was all I could eat, but I only had two. I felt guilty about getting seconds, and my future roommate was waiting to go to a party. A social, the all greek social to be exact. I've never been to one, I am excited. However, I know it's going to be the same as any other. Lots of guys trying to get with a small amount of girls. It's an inevitablilty of greek life, and of Drexel.

Cut to 11:45. Two of my brothers are dragging me to dance, bringing me to leave my comfortable little corner with my good and trusted friends, also brothers. I tell my shell to take a break, have a beer, he's earned it. I follow them because it is secretly what I want to happen. I am introduced to a girl. She is drunk and she is fake. But, she is open and I am trying. She is stolen, taken from me by somebody who does not care, somebody who doesn't mind the fakeness. Somebody who doesn't mind not having a name. It is at that point that I am kicked in the balls.

12:00. I am lying on the couch of our TV room in agony. I am watching Juno. A couple, one of my brothers and a very close friend are sitting there. She has her head on his shoulder. The scene is sweet enough to make me feel slightly better. I am roused from my agony by the doorbell. It's my future roommate's girlfriend, and this girl I've been trying to catch a minute with. We talk. It is awkward at first, as the discussion opens with why I left the social. "Kicked in the penis" as roommates girlfriend says. It is awkward, but the other girl comments it is only awkward if you make it so. So, I roll with it. After a while, i ask her to formal. She says yes, and my spirit soars.

12:15. I am waiting outside. I am talking to my very close friend, the one with her head on his shoulder. She comments they aren't a couple. Things are weird. Complicated. Things are very "College" right now. Another former couple sitting there announce they broke up as well. It's a bummer, I decide to go back to the party.

1 AM. I am back at the sorority house for more pancakes. They aren't as good this time, but my taste buds have numbed. An acuaintence talks to one of my brothers about how she shouldn't be persecuted for hooking up with a random guy. When my brother protests, I assure him the world wont end because of it. I will be held accountable if it does. Five minutes later, the acquaintence works herself into a frenzy over her roommate hooking up with a guy.

Irony is painful sometimes.

2 AM. I have a deep discussion with aformentioned close friend(head on his shoulder) and the brother from the previous paragraph. We talk about love. I have my doubts about things. I want to find somebody I can make something with. Both of them say it cannot happen that way. it must be spontaneous she says, like her and her new "boy".

2:30 AM. "Her new boy"s roommate shows up, also a brother as well. She asks him if her "new boy" is really finished with his "old girl". He doesn't know, he doesnt tell him.

2:45. They are both crying. He is so distant from both of them. They cry on eachothers shoulders. He shakes my hand as he is leaving, fighting back tears. She cries on my shoulder. She thought she had finally found something real, she says, but he was just playing her she says. The mascara stains my shirt, but I do not mind. I understand, I understand perfectly, that is why it hurts. That is what makes me sad. Drunks come in and out of our house, disrupting the scene. I get them out, she crashes on the 1 AM brothers couch, he helps her to call down, to fall asleep. I admire him for this. He knows how to handle these situations, how to delay the pain until the person is ready to face it. My solution would have been to get it out right away. We could have been up all night.

It is 3 A.M. I start to think about why this is significant. All these people, all these events. The pancakes, the hookups, the brothers and the crying. I see it in a flash of comprehension.

We are all different people, but we are all after the same goals. In the end, we want stability. We want to stop our searches and accounce we have found the lost golden city of el dorado. Nobody wants random hookups over and over. We all just want that one connections that leads us to tranquility.

When it comes right down to it, we are all simply little people trying to manage our little lives. For all of our plans, they can rise of fall by the hands of random chance, just as much chance as buying the next winning lottery ticket, or pushing our winnings one more round. The world is a black joke, and the goal is to laugh at the end of it all. Many people have been lost to this game, but the pride of man, the last greatest hope for humanity, is the fact we continue to pick ourselves up each time. Broken, beaten, scarred, but smarter and better. Adaption. Survival. Life.

After tonight, this night gone awry, I don't know if Im ever going to see life as meaningless again. I've seen the precipace of human emotion. Ive seen the good people do bad, the terrible do good, and the brokenhearted love. I've seen it, and I can't look back. Life is beautiful in all of it's random stupidity.

It's 4:02, and Im publishing this post. Whoever you are, I wish nothing but the best for you.

"Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

And youd better come come, come come to me
Better come come, come come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better that what came before

And youd better run run, run run to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come, come come, come come to me
Youd better run"

Cat Powers, I found a reason

4 comments:

gucci-shoes-bags said...

Gucci
Replica GUCCI SHOES
Replica GUCCI handbags
wholesale gucci shoes
cheap Gucci shoes
cheap Gucci handbags
discount gucci shoes
Gucci shop
Gucci bags
Gucci shoes
Gucci ON sale
Gucci Belts
Gucci small accessories
Gucci hats & scarves
Gucci wallets
Gucci Handbags
women Gucci shoes
Men Gucci shoes
Gucci
Replica GUCCI SHOES
Replica GUCCI handbags
wholesale gucci shoes
cheap Gucci shoes
cheap Gucci handbags
discount gucci shoes
Gucci shop
Gucci bags
Gucci shoes
Gucci ON sale
Gucci Belts
Gucci small accessories
Gucci hats & scarves
Gucci wallets
Gucci Handbags
women Gucci shoes
Men Gucci shoes

m8t said...

It is really touching !

Alice said...

You should listen to the original by Lou Reed and The Velvet Underground. That one is evokes what you feel for the Cat Power one in me. There is something so hopeful about that song but at the same time bitter-sweet. I think you mentioned a lot of enlightening truths in your post. Hope you find the one that makes you happy.

B.R said...

Normally I feel very very alone in my head.

Everything you wrote made that feeling go away for a moment.